Currently many resources and articles are being written to support the correct ministry thinking of the power of parents in youth ministry. I am seeing it in nearly every e-newsletter, book, and magazine which gets published. This is a very good thing from our viewpoint as it has been one of Wild Frontier’s core youth ministry beliefs for over ten years. (Wish it was a part of those beliefs for all of our 20-year existence but I still thought myself too central to youth ministry in the beginning. Read more)
The more I practice youth ministry at my church, the more I see the positive results of including parents in the youth ministry. That is not all though. I’ve also intentionally included the entire church family in the youth ministry and that is garnering even more positive results.
At my church, the line between us (youth ministry) vs. them (church family) is so blurred that every adult assumes that all teenagers want to talk with them and hang with them. It’s beautiful (and makes my job so much easier).I’ve written before about the researched discovery that children are biologically primed (“hardwired”) for enduring connections to others for moral and spiritual meaning and how the church family is the second-most important authoritative community to children. Read more. Michael Gurian, the author of such books as The Wonder of Boys and The Wonder of Girls, introduces this same thinking with the concept of three families. Great reads, by the way. As a social philosopher and family therapist, he has introduced a three-family system which he believes every child needs to grow up in. Youth ministry fits perfectly in this three-family system and can be the greatest resource parents can have.
Defined a three-family system is first of all a nuclear family unit that involves more than one caregiver, who, even if they’re divorced, are united in helping this child. Of course, these are the biological parents but also includes adoptive parents and grandparents who are raising a child as their own. The Second Family is some form of extended family which also includes close friends. The Third Family is larger and may be more institutional yet is important and can be useful in raising a child. The Third Family could be a spiritual community or a school or scouting or a sports team. It could even be a youth group. But a youth group active in the church family under the leadership of a youth minister who creatively uses everyone in the church family can certainly be useful in all three families. Thus the youth ministry can be the greatest resource parents can have to raise their children.
First Family
The resource the youth ministry can be to the First Family is providing parents opportunities to be the spiritual influencer of their own teens. Parents do want help with this because they feel inadequate, whether admitted to you or not. Read more.
Second Family
My husband and I have raised seven now-grown adults. They have biological parents yet they also have us as parents. As I tell them from time to time, God’s plan for them is so big that He gave them two sets of parents. From my mother’s heart, these kids are mine. Yet I know they have biological parents, whom I also love. For some of “our kids” those parents actually invited us into the parenting of their children. They knew they wanted a better path for their child and they trusted us to provide that, particularly because they knew it was something different from the family system they live in. They understood the value of the Second Family and sought it out for their child. I am so grateful.
The Second Family includes aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins. Who doesn’t have that loving grandmother in your own life story or the uncle who took a special interest in you? As a grown adult, you still honor that person and have great fondness for that person. This is Second Family.
The Second Family may also include day-care providers, teachers, peers, and mentors. And sometimes aren’t these influential non-relative adults given the fond name of “Uncle” or “Grandmother?”
So many families live away from their biological families. So many single parents are raising a child on their own. The church family thus becomes a wonderful provider for Second Family members. Not so much the institution that is your church (see Third Family) but the godly individuals that make up your church family. By the way, this also includes you.
This brings up a real struggle that parents deal with due to an American and errant way of thinking. This is that no one else should raise their child other than themselves. If others do, they are bad parents and they carry a wrong guilt that everyone thinks they are bad parents.
When you saw that a day-care provider could be part of the Second Family was your immediate thought about how sad it was for that child to be in daycare? The guilt starts there and is like a mist that surrounds them as they parent their child throughout the years. Overparenting, buying too many toys to compensate, and avoiding discipline both are based from this guilt. Thus the parent’s guilt has the opposite effect of what the parent desires.
To contrast, some cultures have some kind of non-blood kin system built into tribal life. Israel has a form of daycare called kibbutzes which purposely incorporates daycare into a Second Family. These non-blood kin systems provide a second family for a child, giving him/her a place to go when he/she is in tension with the First Family, and providing him/her with sounding boards, new voices and alternative visions. This makes so much sense, and is one of the roles we as youth ministers always willingly take on. Other cultures purposely build that in.
Too many parents carry this American-way of thinking that they and only they will raise their child. May you be able to help them see the error of this thinking, free them of some guilt, and help provide them with some great Second Family members.
Third Family
The Third Family is not so personal and warmly loved but must be recognized for the influence it has. The school “family” is an influence. The team “family” is an influence. The scout “family” is an influence. The church family is an influence. The family word here hardly seems appropriate but these spheres of influence must be recognized and directed. Particularly because members of the Third Family could very well have values that run counter to the family values. It may be a certain friend at school. It may be a coach. It is important though to realize that the teen is not left helpless to this institutional influence. First Family with the help of the Second Family can make purposed decisions to decide which Third Families will be a part of their child’s tribe.
Note: Another Third Family that needs to be recognized is the internet. And the people the teen meets on the internet can become Second or Third Family members. Do parents want them that close? Parents have influence here. You have internet savvy to help parents know how to use this influence.
To quote Gurian from The Wonder of Boys, “Boys especially thrive in a tribe. They require the structure, discipline and challenges a tribal extended family system offers. Parents who consciously design a support structure of peers, teachers, mentors and relatives to help raise children will contribute immensely in their child’s maturation. The long-term benefits of establishing other role models for your children will pay off richly in years to come. Not only will children have greater choices, more people who care for them, more opportunities to ask questions, and more room to explore who they are outside of their own family, parents too will have more time to mature, resolve their own issues, and enjoy their life.” Couldn’t this also be a part of what the Hebrews writer said, “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another” Hebrews 10:24-25a.
Why the importance of the church family? As Kenda Creasy Dean wrote in Almost Christian, “This kind of trust (value) is not learned by rote but by observing the lives and actions of others who trust in Christ.” (p. 151) Teens must observe the lives and actions of others who trust Christ. Not just their peers but different generations. Dean further said, “Most teenagers are quite positive about their relationship with their parents, and four out of five teenagers who attend church or synagogue willingly name adults in their congregations whom they enjoy talking to, and who give them lots of encouragement. In the NSYR, three out of five youth names one or more adults in their congregations, other than their parents, to whom they can turn for support, advice, and help. In fact, the number of adults available for such support rose proportionally to teenagers’ religious devotion.” (p. 152) Wow–there is a direct correlation.
What does a teen need to grow up in the Luke 2:52 way of wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and all the people? A personal relationship with God, a stable first family, an active second family, and a welcoming third family. Do you see how youth ministry plays a role in each of those? It is the greatest tool a parent can have.
